


and i thought you might be mine

by sideofhomemademash (SideOfHomemadeMash)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, References to Arctic Monkeys, SOPPY as HELL, Unrequited Love, but not actually u know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 16:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2779985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SideOfHomemadeMash/pseuds/sideofhomemademash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it was all over even though it had never truly begun</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i thought you might be mine

**Author's Note:**

> based off of/title from arctic monkey's song Knee Socks, which is a jam.
> 
> prompt from, and beta'd by [siarra](http//:matchingheadbands.tumblr.com) on tumblr, so thanks to her, this fic ruined my life in a great way. thank u!!
> 
> i also have to thank [roni](http//:drakeception.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) for being my wife and for giving me amazing ideas for this fic. i luv them.

_And you're kissing to cut through the gloom  
With a cough drop coloured tongue_

"Shit, shit, I’m close, I’m gonna - shit.” Liam moaned as he came down Zayn's throat. After swallowing it all, Zayn pulled off and tucked Liam back into his pants.

"C'mere." Liam murmured, still shivering from the aftershocks of his orgasm, hot and quivery all over but blissed out. He knotted his fingers in Zayn's hair and tugged him up so he could kiss him, tasting himself on his tongue but not caring. Tugging on Zayn's cock he brought him to orgasm quickly after as much teasing from Liam he had endured. His come painted his stomach in white threads and the pair sat there for a few moment, silent but for the sounds of their panting as they slowly came down from the rush of their orgasms.

"Gonna shower. You want in?" Liam asked, standing up. Zayn followed him to the bathroom with a nod. They ended up having sex in the shower, Liam fucking Zayn up against the wall and jacking him off hurriedly after he had pulled out and come over Zayn's arse, mumbling about how he had to get to sleep. Zayn dried off alone, in a haze of sex and tiredness.

\------------------------------------------------------------

_I got a feeling I might have lit the very fuse  
That you were trying not to light_

"Knock knock, Leeyum, I need to talk to you." Zayn yelled at the door to Liam's hotel room impatiently. He had already tried just knocking a few times, but Liam must've had his headphones in or something, because he hadn't yelled back or opened the door.

"Hullo, sorry, 's sleeping." Liam said, answering the door as Zayn's fist hovered over, unsure whether to leave or try again. He rubbed sleep from his eyes and Zayn stepped into his room. There were clothes strewn all over the floor as they had been yesterday when Zayn had sucked him off.

"You said that you, um, need to talk about something? What is it?" Liam asked groggily. Zayn's stomach flip-flopped and in his head he searched for anything else he could do to divert the question, but his search turned up nothing substantial enough to be as urgent as he had made it to be.

"It's kind of... Hard for me to say." Zayn explained slowly, eyes trained on his hands as he picked at his fingernails that were already down to nubs from earlier that week when he had tried to talk to Liam, but he lucked out when Liam was using the shower and then him, Harry, and Niall were being rushed to an interview.

"Just spit it out, I'm a man, I can take it." Liam joked, smiling at Zayn as if this whole thing was a casual, mate-to-mate talk, or Zayn had repeated one of Harry's dumb jokes. Liam really had no idea what a bombshell was to come, the suicide bomb of words Zayn was dropping as he explained to Liam that he loved him, he wanted to mean more to Liam, to have more with Liam, to have everything, even. Liam's face grew serious as Zayn continued to explain how he felt about Liam, and that it was okay if Liam didn't feel the same, and his apologies if this was crossing a line. But it was not okay. Zayn knew from the moment Liam's face fell that it wasn't okay, that Liam would say he was straight and talk about boundaries to Zayn like he was two and had stuck his finger up Liam's nose.

"Zayn, I like you, but not... not in that way. I mean, we're mates, right? I think we're, um, better off friends." Liam delivered the blow so delicately that Zayn had hardly realized that his entire world, everything he had ever hoped for, was being crushed in that one instant.

"Well, I'm gonna head to the gym, I think. Have a nice night." Liam said lightly, subtly dismissing Zayn. Stunned, he walked stiffly back to his hotel room before collapsing on the bed and staring at the ceiling until Niall returned.

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Niall, please help me." Zayn cried when Niall walked into their shared hotel room. Niall jumped at Zayn's hysteria, but walked over and put an arm around his friend

"What's up, babe?" Niall pouted, not liking to have to see his best friend sad.

"It's Liam. I told him about – I told him how I felt about him," Zayn whimpered, "and it's like we never even had anything at all, like we were 'just mates.'" He quotes as he laid his head on Niall's shoulder while he spoke, sniffling into the crook of his neck. Niall squinted his eyes, knowing very well that Liam reciprocated Zayn's feelings.

"He's being a bit of a prick. Let's get drunk." Niall suggested, trying to cheer Zayn up.

"I don't feel like going out." Zayn sniffed. Niall knocked his foot against Zayn's calf, knowing that what he needed was to get absolutely fucked.

"It'll get your mind off it." Niall chided.

"Fine, I'll go. But not until tomorrow. I’m too tired today." Zayn explained with closed eyes. “Cuddle with me?” he asked Niall hopefully.

“Sorry, mate. I already made plans with Harry and Louis to go out, although it’ll just be me and Haz. Lou’s sick.”

Zayn rolled over in the bed again. “Bye, then. I’m going to sleep.” he mumbled into the blankets.

“I’ll be back in time for dinner.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Zayyyyyn, you haven’t left the room for two whole days. Shower at least? For me?” Niall begged Zayn, who still lay in his bed, watching the TV with a blank look on his face. Niall walked over and tickled his foot that was hanging over the edge of the bed, but Zayn kicked him so he backed away.

The final few days of boys’s visit consisted of much the same of this for Zayn, laying around, ordering room service occasionally. Niall’s attempts to rouse him grew increasingly half-hearted. He showered and shaved on the final day, only because he knew he had to leave and there would be paparazzi. They were woken earlier than usual in order to be rushed to the airport for their flight to the next batch of interviews and appearances. For Zayn the flight was much the same as the stay in the hotel, passing without event as he was asleep for most of it.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Zayn,” Niall started after they were settled into their new hotel room, “will you please go out with me tonight? Me and the boys miss you.” He considered it for a second, then added, “Liam won’t be there.”

Zayn’s heart wrenched in his chest at the mere thought of Liam and, for a second, Zayn felt like Niall had dropped a weight on his chest, forcing the air out and making him feel like he was drowning, being crushed by his thoughts of Liam. He tried his best to shake off the mention of Liam.

“‘M tired.”

“You’ve been sleeping for four days now. You aren’t tired.” Niall quipped.

“Fine.” Zayn huffed, glowering at Niall, who glanced at the clock quickly.

"6 good? Gives us about an hour to get ready and eat something if you like." Niall offered.

"That's fine." Zayn snapped. He felt more like having another good cry in his bed under the duvet and eating all the ice cream room service could offer than partying and drinking, but he would go, if only to appease Niall.

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Zaaaaaayn!! You came!! Niall said you weren't comin', man!! I haven’t seen you in days!" Louis shouted when his eyes met Zayn's, face falling when he saw the smile that hung on Zayn’s lips but refused to meet his eyes.

"What's up? Something wrong?" he asked seriously.

"I'll talk to you about it later, Lou. Thanks, but as long as I'm here, I need to be like, super fucking drunk." Zayn chuckled dryly.

"I'm good at getting you drunk," Louis teased, "come here." He led Zayn through the crowded club by the hand, all the way to the bar. Niall followed, as well as Harry, Caroline, and Tom and Lou. Zayn wasn't particularly fond of the last two, but it was good to be surrounded by familiar faces.

"A round of shots! Put it on my tab!" Louis shouted at the bartender, who nodded and pulled out the required seven shot glasses. He filled them with alcohol and handed Louis the tray. The group had congregated at a table a few feet from the bar, so Louis walked over as carefully as he could and set down the shots. Everyone grabbed one, and on Louis' count threw them back.

\------------------------------------------------------------

_You were a stranger in my phonebook I was acting like I knew  
'Cause I had nothing to lose_

"Liam, I know it's late but I just wanted to say something. I wanted to say... Fuck you. I told you how I felt for you, I fucking opened up my entire heart to you and you turned away from me, fucking shook me off like I didn't mean anything. That's such a dick move, and Niall agrees. Right Niall?" Niall nodded. "I'm not over you, and I don't know when I will be, or even if I ever will, I don’t even know where to start. But I won’t forget what you did, how I trusted you with everything I had and you threw it away." Zayn was sob-yelling into the phone now, almost unintelligible. He didn't know if he was making any sense with how drunk he was and how loudly he was crying, struggling to wrench the words from his lungs through the sobs wracking his body, making him shake with the hurt and sadness he felt deep in his bones. Niall took the phone out of his hands and ended the call for him. He hugged Zayn to his chest for a second and rubbed his back.

"Let's get home, mate." Niall said quietly, hailing a cab for the two of them. Zayn continued crying almost the whole ride back to their hotel. His phone call to Liam had been about midnight, and hailing the cab and the ride back had taken about an hour. His tears had lightened by the time they got to their room, but as Niall and Zayn were cuddled up in the king bed with Niall as the big spoon, they started flowing again.

Every cell in his body missed Liam. He missed the way he smelled, his fuzzy hair, his strong arms, and his laugh, Liam's loud bark of a laugh that made Zayn want to laugh too, even if there wasn’t a reason. So desperately, he wanted to be able to roll over and look into Liam's warm brown eyes and curl into him, to feel protected and warm and safe by his side. But all that was gone now, it was all over even though it had never truly begun. Zayn's heart was falling apart, shattering behind his ribs, another piece breaking off every time he thought of Liam and remembered another thing that he would miss about his boy. The pain of it was slowly burning through his chest and his limbs and all the way through his skin. He hoped that maybe the inferno raging inside of him would light the bed on fire, and Niall would share his burden of a broken, shattered heart, would feel even just a small part of the pain Zayn was feeling.

His crying made almost no noise this time, only silent tears running down his cheeks and leaving dark splotches on the pillowcase and the heavy sounds of his breathing. He felt like his lungs were running away from him, unable to control their pace. Niall threw his arm over him suddenly.

"Z, turn over. Talk to me." Niall commanded gently. Zayn did as he was told, trying to control his rapid, shaky breathing but failing miserably. Niall's honest eyes were staring into his and he tried to focus on that.

"I just, I fucking miss him so much, Ni. And I never even had him." Zayn ranted with tears still flowing from his eyes. Niall petted his hair soothingly.

Niall offered nothing but his company and cuddles, couldn’t offer anything else, he didn’t want to say anything to upset Zayn. Zayn suddenly felt how tired he was, the exhaustion seeping slowly into him like cold fog slinking in from the ocean.

“‘m tired.” he whispered. He turned back over and let Niall’s arm fall back over his waist, closing his eyes and trying not to let himself cry again.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Nnnf. Zayn, I love you, but get off of me.” Niall groaned as he woke up to a faceful of ink black hair and Zayn’s arm and leg on top of him. There was only one bed in their new hotel room in whatever country they were in now, so they had had to share. He pushed the limbs off of himself as gently as possible but Zayn woke up and looked at Niall with red (but dry) eyes from his crying the evening before. “You doing better?” Zayn could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes again, threatening to run over, so nodded instead of answering, not trusting his voice to not quiver and break.

“I think this hotel has breakfast.” Niall said with an air of fake-cheeriness, trying very hard to make Zayn feel better. Zayn grumbled, but got out of bed. He walked over to his suitcase that lay at the foot of his own bed and grabbed a shirt and a pair of jeans, pulling them on. Niall did the same and they walked to the elevator in silence, continuing the silence all the way through breakfast. They ate their waffles and fruit without speaking, watching the small television on the wall as excuse not to make conversation. It was set to a local news station, talking about the weather, which was to be cold and drizzly.

“You can change it if you want.” the man who was clearing the tables told them, gesturing at the remote lying on a table near Zayn and Niall. Niall thanked him and grabbed the remote, randomly flipping through the channels. A picture of Liam and Harry flashed on the screen, and Zayn felt his chest tighten at just the sight of Liam with his arms crossed over his broad chest, focused on whatever question the interviewer was asking. When he heard Liam’s voice, Zayn felt like he was drowning. Liam was answering the interviewer’s question, but Zayn was hearing Liam rejecting him, hearing the heartbreaking speech all over again. Niall glanced over at Zayn, whose lip was quivering, and changed the channel again, this time to a different news channel with updates on a house fire. He felt the tears threatening to dampen his cheeks again, and tried quickly to focus on what the weather reporter was saying, but couldn’t. He couldn’t get his mind off of Liam, and even though he was the reason Zayn was hurting so much, he wanted Liam to be here, to make him hurt less.

“Zayn? We have an interview in a few, but if you don’t feel up to it, we can tell them you’re ill.” Niall offered.

“Yeah.” Zayn whispered. The word cracked in his throat, and it was as if the dam had burst. The tears started flowing again, like they’d never stopped. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand as he hurried off back up to his and Niall’s room.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Liam? Liam, there you are!” Niall shouted as he ran around backstage, searching frantically for his bandmate. Liam shifted his eyes at the sound of his name, but not his head. Lou was behind him, putting the final touched on his makeup and hair. “Wanted to talk to you.” Niall said as he sat down in an empty chair that he pulled closer to Liam’s.

“About?” Liam asked.

“Well. Zayn.” Liam’s face went stony, jaw tightening as if Niall had said something offensive.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” he barked back.

“Yes, there definitely is. I know you liked him a lot, why would you say no to him?” Niall asked.

“Because I’m not gay.” he huffed. “Never have been, never will be.” Harry looked up from his phone at that and glared at Liam.

“Leeyum, I’ve told you before, you don’t have to be gay to like guys. You could be bisexual , or pan-” Liam cut Harry off with a glare.

“I’m straight, okay? I don’t like Zayn like that.” he half-shouted, standing up and walking away as soon as Lou was done.

“So rude.” Niall muttered. As soon as he leaned back in his chair, someone was rushing into the room and grabbing him and Harry by their shoulders, dragging them to the side of the stage. Someone else was counting down from ten, assumedly for when the boys were supposed to be on-stage, for the show had already begun. When the count reached one, Niall, Harry, and Liam were forced onto the stage and walked over and sat down on the three plastic red chairs meant for them. They hadn’t been given a rundown of what they were supposed to say in the interview, so their answers would probably be airy and worthless.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“So why are Louis and Zayn not here?” the interviewer asked after the audience’s shrieks had quieted down; Liam had explained what his feather tattoo meant and apparently that excited the fans. He froze at the mention of Zayn.

“Zayn didn’t feel well, I don’t know about Louis.” Niall said breezily, catching Liam’s slack.

“Oh, he’s hungover as hell, wouldn’t drink any water before bed last night.” Harry muttered, not quite loud enough for the interviewer to hear. Liam mentally shook himself as they moved on from the topic of their bandmates, but still lingering in the back of his mind was thoughts of Zayn. He had a voicemail in his mailbox of his phone, and Liam knew those digits underneath the message notifications, had called them almost every day for months. He feared that with opening that voicemail there would come a flood of memories and raw emotions and he wouldn’t be able to hold back, he would go running back to Zayn, return his call late at night, sobbing into the phone, but he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let himself be so weak.

“So Liam, back to you. How is Sophia?” he would have rolled his eyes if he could, but nodded and explained to the woman that she was doing well. Actually, they were not well. They had technically broken up almost a half-year ago, but their management wanted Liam to keep her around because she was pretty and the fans seemed to have taken a liking to her; Liam himself knew that having a girl on his arm would keep the gay rumors at bay. The last few minutes of the interview passed slowly and uneventfully, the three boys giving empty replies to the questions they had answered a few times before.

“Boys, listen up. You have the rest of the day free, Zayn and Louis too, so tell them that. But you have a plane to catch tomorrow bright and early.” one of their managers informed them before allowing the members of the band to be ushered into the Range Rover waiting for them behind the studio.

“What’re you guys gonna do tonight?” Liam asked, trying his hardest to break the heavy silence in the car.

“Me’n Lou are just having a night in, he’s a bit ill.” Harry answered after he looked up from his phone.

“I was gonna drag Zayn out to a club with me, otherwise he’ll just be alone all day.” Niall said slightingly. Liam threw a look at him before moodily glaring out the window. The car was quiet the rest of the trip back to the hotel.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Zaynie, I’m baaaack.” Niall announced upon walking across the threshold of their shared hotel room. He stopped midstep when Zayn didn’t respond. A closer look revealed that Zayn wasn’t in the room, and he had left a note on his bed. Niall picked it up and read the scribbled ‘at the gym. i’ll be back by 12 for lunch xx.’ The door clicked open behind him and Niall jumped out of the way, glancing at the clock and realizing that it was two minutes until noon.

“Hey.” a sweaty Zayn muttered as he scrambled around the room, grabbing clothes. “Gonna shower.” he walked into the small room next to the door and clicked it locked.

\------------------------------------------------------------

_When the winter’s in full swing and your dreams just aren’t coming true  
Ain’t it funny what you’ll do?_

“But I won’t forget what you did, how I trusted you with everything I had and you threw it away.” Zayn’s garbled message finished playing from Liam’s phone. There were tear tracks on his cheeks and he was wiping at his eyes, desperately trying to stop crying but not knowing how. He threw his phone across the room and it made a sharp cracking noise when it came into contact with something, but he didn't look back to see what it was.

"Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not gay. I'm not gay." Liam whisper-shouted to himself, slamming the bathroom door behind him and sliding down the wall. He bit the back of his hand to prevent his sobs from echoing around the bathroom. More than anything he wanted to be able to just see Zayn, to know that Zayn wasn't over him already. He had screwed that up, he knew, Zayn may never forgove him for what he did, but Liam knew that they would never be the same. They would never be okay again, they could not be okay again, because Liam wouldn't take a risk, he wouldn't do it for Zayn. It was all his fucking fault.

"Niall." he muttered. "I need to talk to Niall."

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Niall?" Liam croaked out as soon as the hotel phone he was holding to his ear stopped ringing. He would have used his own, but throwing it across the room had broken it, shattered it into tiny pieces and done nothing to make him feel any better.

"Liam," Niall responded surprisedly. "What's up?"

"Erm, I wanted to ask how Zayn is, actually. I feel really bad. I can't express to you how badly I feel. I was stupid, a complete arse about it, a giant fucking bag of dicks, whatever. I want to know how I can get him back."

"What room number are you?"

“224. Just a little down the hall from you, I think.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“So, how do you think I should try to get him back? Do you think it’s even possible?” Liam asked, voice shaking and fragile from trying to stop himself from crying.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know. When you rejected him, he wouldn’t get up for almost four days except to eat, and he was crying most of the time. You hurt him really bad. You broke him, Liam.” Niall

“Fuck. I really fucked up. God, this is terrible. I’m terrible. I have to apologize” Liam asked, voice still quivering with tears being barely held back.

“Go apologize, it’s the least you can do. Tell him you’ll do better, that you weren’t sure of yourself or whatever.”

“Where is he?” Liam asked.

“In his room. He got tired of me pestering him to move or shower or just do something, so he got his own room. It’s 220 if you want to go talk to him now.” Niall answered.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Fuck! Him!” Zayn yelled, punctuating each of the pillows he threw off his bed across the room. After the final one landed on the floor with a soft thud, he flopped back down onto the bed with his arms covering his head and sobbed into them. There was a soft knock on the door and a familiar voice said his name softly, almost too softly to be heard.

“Yes?” Zayn answered, voice hoarse from both his near constant crying and lack of use.

“It’s Liam.” the familiar voice answered softly. Zayn was too stunned to respond He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself to answer Liam without saying too much, crossing that line between them and pushing Liam even further away, scaring him off just like before.

“No. No. Go away. I can’t talk to you right now.” Zayn yelled back. He was sure that any attempt of even just chatting about the weather would end badly, with him crying and Liam walking away from him for the second time. There were footsteps from the other side of the door, fading into nothing. Zayn closed his eyes, determined not to cry. After a few moments of laying there, Zayn’s phone rang from across the other side of the room.

“Oh, shit.” he grumbled as he searched through the huge pile of unwashed clothes that resided under the window on the far side of the room. Before he could find it, the phone stopped ringing, so he gave up and went back to bed.

“Who is it?” he asked himself under his breath as the phone started ringing a second time. He found it this time, and of all people to be calling him Liam’s contact was on the screen. Considered it for a second, he tapped the end call button with his thumb. There was barely a pause before the dark screen of the phone lit up with Liam’s name and phone number and stupidly cute contact picture of the two of them together. Zayn shut his phone off completely so it wouldn’t ring any longer, and snuggled back up in the bed once again, actually falling asleep this time.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“He must’ve turned his phone off, he’s not picking up.” Liam moaned miserably. Niall patted his back consolingly and took his phone back from Liam’s hands. "What am I gonna fucking do?"

“I’m sorry. Do you want me to talk to him tomorrow? Or right now?” Niall offered.

“No, I don’t want to torture him. If he doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s his choice. I just want him to be happy.”

“The only way he’ll be happy is with you.” Liam shook his head no.

“I ruined him, Niall, shit, how could I have had my head so far up my arse? I loved him. I still do, I still love him so fucking much.”

“Let’s try him again in the morning. Go now, get some sleep.” Niall commanded, and with that Liam returned to his own room down the hall the opposite direction of Zayn’s.

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Zayn, I can't sleep, but I'm so tired. This week's been such a long week and I can't fucking sleep. I don't really know why I'm calling you. Actually, I know. I just don't know how to say everything that I need to. I love you, so much, I never meant to hurt you. If you take me back I promise, to God, to my mother, to anything that has ever mattered to me, that I'll never hurt you like this again. If you hate me, I understand completely. I've been such a dickhead about this, all this, everything. if you say no to me I won't push you. I hope I didn't wake you up. I'm sorry. I hope I don’t lose you, I hope for that more than anything in the world." Liam was crying as he spoke, taking shaky breaths every other word and hiccuping occasionally. He looked for something more to say but came up short. Everything had been said, Liam had lain his soul out for Zayn to see, so he could understand how deeply he regretted letting Zayn fall through his fingers when he had every chance to catch him. Realizing that he was now just breathing into the headset, he put the phone down in its spot with an air of finality; the deed was done, and unless he had a way of hacking into Zayn’s phone and deleting the message it was irreversible.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Niall, come on, mate, it’s almost noon.” Liam shouted as he pounded on the door , anxious to talk to Niall.

“Wha? Sorry.” Niall finally said as he opened the door and squinted at Liam from under his dishevelled fringe. He motioned Liam in and closed the door behind him.

“Have you got ahold of Zayn yet?”

“I left him a message last night, but he hasn’t sent me anything back.”

“It’s okay, he’ll check his phone eventually.” Niall tried. Liam just put his head in his hands, knowing in his heart that even if Zayn turned on his phone saw the message, he might delete it, he may even have already deleted it. He might not be ready to forgive Liam. What if he was never ready to forgive Liam? Liam didn’t dare dwell on that thought, which was interrupted by the door opening behind him, which confused him; Niall was still sitting on the sofa across from him.

“Niall, here’s your jump- oh.” Zayn voice cut off as soon as his eyes met Liam’s, and he immediately started walking backwards towards the door again. “I didn’t- I don’t- I’m just gonna… go, I think.”

“Nope, Zayn, get back here.” Niall commanded, jumping up and practically dragging Zayn back into the hotel room. “I know this is going to be hard for you, but you really need to just talk about this. You’re in the same _band,_ for Christ’s sake. I’ll leave if you want me to.”

“Would you, please?” Zayn murmured. Niall didn’t reply but left the with Liam’s room key in his hand. Both Zayn and Liam followed him with their eyes until his frame was smothered by the closing door and the lock clicked shut, leaving the pair completely alone in the silent room. Neither knew where to begin with the conversation since they didn’t know how much the other knew, through the sobbing voicemails left late at night or through Niall. There had been so much between them not even two weeks ago, they could have had everything, but Liam couldn’t push himself that far, didn’t trust himself to make it work. So much was going unspoken as the pair fiddled with loose strings on their jeans or a button on their shirt.

“I love you.” Liam blurted out. Everything had come crashing down because he had held back; he couldn’t let that happen again, and if that meant sharing every thought he had about Zayn, then so be it.

“Liam, I loved you so much, and for so long. I think I still love you, but it’s hard to tell right now. What you did to me, if I take you back, and I see any signs of it happening again, I’ll opt out, I can’t go through this again. I’ve been hurting too much for this to happen again.” Zayn explained softly, not crying over his words for the first time in days. Maybe it was being able to see Liam again, maybe it was seeing that Liam was hurting too: he was crying, actually crying with tears running down his cheeks like Zayn had never seen. He had seen him cry once before, when his family dog died, but never like this, with splotchy red cheeks and squinted eyes and a runny nose. But whatever it was, something calmed Zayn down, stabilized him enough to explain his thoughts and emotions to Liam without hysterics.

“Did you, um, listen to my message by any chance?” Liam asked awkwardly.

“No, my phone’s been off. Just summarize it?”

“You should just play it, I might forget something.” Really, Liam didn’t want to have to say it all over again, to have to feel the words burn his throat as they came out, out of fear that Zayn wouldn’t feel the same way after he was done. Zayn rummaged around for his phone in the laundry again and turned it back on when he found it. Neither parties made any attempt at small talk.

“It’s done.” Zayn said when the phone finally lit up in his hand. He unlocked it and after a couple taps on the screen, Liam’s ragged voice was pouring out of the speaker on the bottom. His cheeks heated up as he realized how broken he sounded, with his heavy breathing and cracking voice. When it was over, Zayn was wiping a tear from his own eye.

“Liam, I love you, so much, so much more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. And it scares me a little bit, because I’ve given you so much power over me. But if someone has to have that power, I guess it can be you.” Liam had no words. He felt as if the sun could shine out of his every pore right now, as if every small thing that had ever been wrong in the world was suddenly okay. He walked over to Zayn and kissed him square on the mouth. Zayn was surprised, but kissed him back with no hesitation. It had been so long since they’d last kissed, probably in the shower on that day, the one when it all ended. It was so good, for both of them, to be finally have their lips on the other’s again after craving it for so long.

“I love you.” Zayn pulled away long enough to whisper that against Liam’s lips before kissing him again, but had to pull back away because he got a mouthful of teeth. Liam was smiling so widely it looked like his cheeks could split.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Shit, shit, I’m close, I’m gonna - shit, fuck, fuck.” Zayn moaned lowly as he came untouched, just from Liam’s cock. Liam came too, as Zayn clenched ridiculously hard around him, and it was the first time either of them had come since the shower.

“Lads? Came I have my room back?” Niall’s voice yelled through the other side of the door. Zayn and Liam blushed and looked at each other.

“You might not want to sleep in your bed, Niall.” Zayn called back, giggling.

“Oh my god!” They heard footsteps running back down the hall from whence they came. Liam pulled off the full condom he had produced from his wallet (along with a package of lube) and tossed the plastic things into the bin next to the bed.

“Thank you, for forgiving me. I'll never do that to you again.” Liam said as they both came down from their highs. They fell asleep in Niall's bed after cleaning themselves off, happier than either one had been all week.


End file.
